Scottsdale Personality Traits
August 11, 2008 by Frank
I posted this a year ago, but since there’s been a recent rise in traffic – we even have some new trolls here – I thought I’d repost this “must read” for our newcomers – I originally found this on another site’s discussion forum in a thread about Scottsdale:
If I had to choose one word (OK, a hyphenated word…) to describe the vibe here, it would be “self-absorbed.”
I made a short list of pet peeves that I still have not become accustomed to since moving here and sent it to my friends for a laugh. I’ve copied it here because it may help anyone thinking of taking the plunge. Here goes:
-If You are waiting for help at the store and someone else is ahead of You, just pretend like You were first. If You get called on it, just act like You didn’t notice the other person. It won’t seem unusual to anyone; they’re used to it.
-When waiting in a long line at the store, it’s OK to get impatient when people are in front of you, but make sure You ask all of Your stupid, irrelevant questions when You get to the front. What matters is You having to wait, not anyone else.
-When You and the rest of the mom’s group take all of Your kids to Starbucks for “playgroup,” You do not need to clean up after Yourself and Your inconsiderate, spoiled brats. There are people working at Starbucks to do that. Same applies to any fast food restaurant. Leave your mess for the next group. Who cares.
-Ignore everyone unless there’s something in it for You. If someone You know clearly sees You and heads toward You, put on the fake smile, act like you just won the lottery, and muddle through it. It will be over soon and You can get back to You.
-Just because they’re your neighbors doesn’t mean you wave or speak to them. Keep them at a distance. They might find out more about you than you want them to know. Pull your Lexus straight in to the garage and close the automatic door. That way, you won’t risk an encounter. Trying to form relationships with your neighbors will be disappointing, so give up now. [Frank's Comment: This is perhaps the truest point on the list!]
-Cell phone calls are fine anywhere, any time. It doesn’t matter if You’re in line buying lunch. You can take a quick break from Your call to tell the cashier what You want. You don’t need to look at them or acknowledge them beyond that. They won’t look at You or even acknowledge Your existence anyway. Make sure you have a loud, annoying ringer and talk loud so everyone can hear your important business call.
-No “please” or “thank you” under any circumstances, ever. It is understood that if someone did something for You, You deserved it. Niceties are unnecessary and do not benefit You.
-It is only OK to acknowledge or talk to a complete stranger if You can sell them something or need something from them.
-Your definition of self comes from what You do, where You live, and Your possessions, not what kind of person You are. Appearances are everything. You are unlikely to ever have a conversation with someone from here that goes any deeper than these superficial subjects.
-Church is for networking and showing off your stuff. If the church doesn’t look like the Ritz Carlton inside, you must not be in Northeast Phoenix. Be prepared to shell out 10% of your salary to keep it that way. Remember, it’s tax-deductible, just like all of the other local church business ventures.
-You owe more on your house than it’s worth, but there’s a new pearl white Escalade with chrome 24’s and a DVD player and a black S500 in the driveway, lots of Tuscan furniture and nick-knacks your decorator picked out, motorized toys and go-peds for the kids so they leave you alone, and a $75,000 kitchen you never use because you only eat out.
-Nothing is what it appears to be. Nothing is your fault. Nothing is your responsibility.
Special Scottsdale addenda to the Arizona drivers handbook:
-When You are backing out of a parking space, You may put Your SUV in reverse and proceed without looking. Through traffic will stop to avoid hitting You. If they honk, act surprised and honk back. They obviously are not from Phoenix anyway or they would know better.
-You do not need to use Your turn signal, no matter what the circumstances, unless it somehow benefits You. Not even the cops use them. Others will swerve to avoid Your unannounced maneuver. Also, remember: The closer You cut it, the less necessary a turn signal is. If you signal to squeeze in, the person will quickly close the gap because he doesn’t want to lose 1/2 second of time. What’s important is getting where You want to be right now.
-It is OK to run a red light. People from Phoenix do it all the time. Yellow is the same as green. Just keep driving. Once the light has actually turned red, You may still proceed through the intersection if You are less than 100 feet from it. Others will wait for You. The cops don’t care because it’s easier and faster to write speeding tickets. Don’t be surprised to see it takes 5 cop cars to “handle” the scene.
-Points are awarded for being the first one at the intersection for a red light. You may take any measures required to be first. If You cut someone off to be first, make sure You take Your sweet time once the light turns green for extra credit.
-Mercedes, BMW, Lexus, Hummer, Land Rover, Jaguar, Escalade. Less than three years old. That’s it. Nothing else makes You worthy of North East Phoenix. Exception: If You are under 18, it is OK to have a lifted crew cab F250 4WD. Your parents understand that You are young and they won’t mind shelling out $50K for Your toy. Your friends all have one and so should You.
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