The Scottsdale “Man”
August 12, 2008 by Frank
The Scottsdale “Man” Defined:
Age – Under 35:
Attire: Winter/Spring/Fall: Untucked oversized long-sleeved Affliction or Ed Hardy shirt with sleeves unbuttoned, baggy “relaxed fit” jeans, and black shoes that were never meant to be worn with jeans. Gelled spikey hair. (He wears oversized shirts believing they will make him look bigger.)
Summer: The same baggy jeans and suit shoes, but with an Affliction or Ed Hardy print t-shirt button-down shirt. Gelled spikey hair.
Job: Realtor, mortgage broker, some other type of entry-level sales, OR, bartender/bouncer/waiter (more likely since the Scottsdale real estate ponzi scheme crashed).
Job he claims to have: Dot-com entrepreneur, small business owner, junior corporate executive.
Girlfriend: Cokehead/pothead/drunken Scottsdale loser stripper chick who thinks guys in dumbass print t-shirts with gelled spikey hair are hot. She shuns any man with class, i.e. guys who don’t wear Affliction t-shirts, recognizing that he is better than she is, and her insecurity prevents her from associating with such men. She lives in Scottsdale because she knows she could never get a boyfriend in a real city with real men.
Environment: Hangs out at weak Scottsdale bars and “clubs” trying to act like a black man. Tries to dance with girls and gets laughed at all night.
Lives: In some trashy old town Scottsdale apartment or rental house with roommates, all the while believing the apartment building’s marketing bullshit and thinks he lives in the lap of luxury.
Age – 35-50:
Attire: This species is all over the board. Can range from 15-year-old to golf shirt to old-man Tommy Bahama shirt, as long as it keeps with Scottsdale’s no-class theme. He tries something different every day because he can’t understand why 20-year-olds no longer sleep with him while Scottsdale milfs and cougars don’t take him seriously yet. He has no idea that if he put on some dignified clothes instead of Scottsdale shit, women might talk to him. More recently you will see this age group wearing Affliction shit due to midlife crisis.
Job: Realtor, mortgage broker, sales manager, corporate middle manager.
Job he claims to have: Dot-com millionaire, CEO, bar/restaurant owner, retired rich guy.
Girlfriend: None. Young chicks see him as a creepy old man, while the average Scottsdale golddigging bitch doesn’t think he has enough gray hair to make him worthy – and desperate – enough to victimize.
Can be found: At any Scottsdale happy hour bar, sitting alone and totally confused as to why he cannot get any action, and frequently looks like a public spectacle thanks to trying to dress like a teenager. Sorry guys, but salt & pepper hair just doesn’t go with the spikey hair and print t-shirt look.
Lives: Anywhere.
Age – Over 50:
Attire: Tommy Bahama shirt or very cheesy print golf shirts. Usually paired with khakis or shorts and loafers with no socks. More recently you will see this age group wearing Affliction or Ed Hardy due to age insecurity.
Summer: Same getup, but with gay-ass European sandals in place of the sockless loafers.
Job: Realtor, mortgage broker, shady underfunded dot-com startup.
Job he claims to have: Millionaire.
Girlfriend: Dumbass Scottsdale divorcee with so much plastic surgery she cannot smile naturally, talk naturally, and her breasts are a public spectacle worthy of the circus. Not to mention the fake fish lips. She lives in Scottsdale because real men in a real city won’t give her the time of day, while loser Scottsdale guys in Tommy Bahama shirts hit on her all night long. Stupid enough to believe Scottsdale guys have money.
Environment: Can be seen at Barcelona or Mastro’s Ocean Club eating an extravagant dinner and sipping champagne at the bar, just after begging MasterCard for a $200 credit limit increase so he can pretend to be rich for just one more night.
Lives: In north Scottsdale, particularly DC Ranch and Troon where this species thrives. Everyone there is just as phony and pathetic as he is, so there is no fear of being found out. In rare cases, may live in Grayhawk while wishing he lived in DC Ranch.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
I thought I was going nuts! I am a divorced 39 (going on 40, so I usually just say 40) female who moved out here in late 2005 because most of my family has slowly migrated here over the last 20-25 years.
I HATE THIS PLACE! And I thought I was getting some sort of personal complex because of the amount of negativity I was feeling. I was actually starting to feel badly about myself!
My mouth dropped wide open and then hysterical laughter eminated from me as I read your description of the “Scottsdale Man Defined”. I’ve been trying to explain this phenomenon to several women out here to see how they felt about things and when I tried to explain it, they would have this glassy-eyed confused look come over their faces…. BECAUSE THEY ARE THE TYPICAL SCOTTSDALE WOMAN THAT IS ALSO TOUCHED UPON in your description. Duh!
I consider myself a very intelligent, attractive, capable and active woman who CAN’T WAIT TO MOVE THE HELL OUT OF HERE (possibly back to the midwest, but Scottsdale/Phoenix has worried me that it may be LIKE THIS EVERYWHERE since I got divorced – heaven forbid… I don’t want to end up being the old lady with 50 cats because she can’t meet nice people!)
While I am stuck here in HELL (finishing my degree, selling house (ugh), lining up everything for life as a single in her 40′s (I AM NOT A COUGAR-HATE THAT TERM and am astonished that the women of Snotsdale seem to get giddy when they are referred to as such-Huh?), where does a nice, NORMAL, cute woman go to meet NICE people? And I am not embarrassed nor ashamed to admit that I would like to meet a man for a long-term relationship, either.
You think Scottsdale sucks? So does being single at 40 after 20 years of marriage!
PROUD to say that since I’ve been here for the last 3 years, I’ve NEVER stepped foot in Barcelona’s, Devil’s Martini or any of the rest of the so-called “trendy” Snotsdale clubs-but have heard plenty about them (LOL). Also proud to say that I don’t have a camera phone (no phone porn on my phone! – one attribute that you neglected to add to “Scottsdale Man Defined”) and detest texting!
Is it possible to meet a NORMAL man in the Scottsdale/Phoenix area THAT DOESN’T DRIVE A BMW or some other brand-name (look at me NOW!) vehicle?
Scottsdale defined: A failed social experiment, created in hte mid 1980′s out of greed and insecurity, of mainly cheesy east coast transplants who truly couldn’t afford to move the additional 800 miles to California, where truly wealthy people live. (if you’re truly wealthy, why would you live in the desert?) It’s a town filled with fake, greed-filled, arrogant, unscrupulous, self-absorbed, steroid juiced freaks & want-to-be white collar criminals who prove their worth and success by how much they can fleece from desperate people & how much than can steal from unsuspecting consumers (sub prime mortgage lenders, loan modification companies, car warranty companies, radio scam artists, principal reduction companies, etc. Scottsdale is ground zero from scam companies) to try and show up the next guy and flaunt their debt, show off their perceived wealth & prove their worth, by acquiring ridiculous material possessions (100% mortgaged towhhomes, financed SL 500′s, jeweled out watches, $400 jeans, Hummers… What do you need a hummer for? To navigate the mean & trecherous streets of scottsdale? ) in a cowardly, insecure and feeble attempt to impress people they don’t know. It’s motto should be “Scottsdale: Pretty on the outside but ugly on the inside”)