The Scottsdale Woman
August 12, 2008 by Frank
This one took some thought, since there are three distinct species of Scottsdale female, as opposed to the single bland variety of Scottsdale male. Ok, here goes:
1. The Scottsdale Golddigger
The Scottsdale golddigger is by far the dumbest of all three varieties, since she is stupid and gullible enough to believe that any men in Scottsdale actually have money. She is typically in her early to mid 20s and has just recently moved to Scottsdale from another, less flashy, part of the country. She decided to move to Scottsdale upon seeing the endless parade of “men” driving luxury cars and wearing Rolex watches. She assumes these status symbols indicate wealth (when in fact they indicate deep debt). Being young and dumb, she also believes any man with graying hair is rich and so she is f*cked and chucked by tons of middle-age Tommy Bahama drunk losers at Sapporo, Barcelona, and Ocean Club as a result.
She wastes anywhere from one to five years dating Scottsdale “men,” always hoping to find her sugar daddy, but always meeting with disappointment upon learning that the rich-looking men she dates are all a bunch of debt-ridden phonies who are three months behind on their car payments and six months behind on the mortgage.
Eventually she wakes up through age and experience, realizes there is no money in Scottsdale, and moves to a city such as New York or Los Angeles where golddigging is quite easy due to massive wealth.
2. The Scottsdale Professional Dater
The Scottsdale Professional Dater is basically a smart version of the Scottsdale Golddigger. The Professional Dater is typically in her 30s or early 40s and knows full well that Scottsdale “men” are a bunch of phonies; however, she also knows that these guys are so desperate, they’ll buy her endless gifts and dinners to try to get into her pants. So, she dates an endless parade of Scottsdale “men” and uses them for freebies.
The modus operandi of the Scottsdale Professional Dater is to target the typical Scottsdale “man,” i.e. single, driving a Porsche, wearing golf clothes, and so on, and pretend to like him. The “man” then spends the next 2-3 months buying her gifts, taking her out to expensive dinners, and taking her on weekend trips and vacations. Then, suddenly, his credit cards all become maxed out, and since he has no money, the fun comes to a sudden end and she dumps him for the next loser. This cycle continues until she gets bored of the fakeness in Scottsdale and moves to a real city to dig for a rich husband. Professional Daters frequently date much older men, since these men are willing to waste a lot of money to have a young trophy on their arms, and it works for her because she’s not planning on having sex with him anyway.
While the Professional Dater is using these men for freebies and giving them limited – if any – sex, she’s screwing one or more young attractive guys on the side.
3. The Scottsdale Soccer Mom
Like Scottsdale “men,” the Scottsdale Soccer Mom is herself a phony. She is typically employed in real estate or some job tied to real estate, and is married to your stereotypical Scottsdale “man” with a BMW and Rolex, all bought on credit. She also drives a leased luxury vehicle, usually an SUV such as an Escalade. 99% of this variety sport a Rolex Ladies Datejust watch (the little dime-sized ladies Rolex).
The Scottsdale Soccer Mom and her husband work as a team to play ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ and attempting to fool others into believing they’re rich. Image is everything to them. They have multiple mortgages – usually liar’s loans – to pay for the house, as well as dozens of maxed out credit cards and long car leases on bad terms. All to keep up the image.
Like many Scottsdale phonies, the Soccer Mom and her husband frequently come to believe they’re actually wealthy, based on the principle that people start to believe their own lies after repeating them frequently enough.
These two misfits always have children who are spoiled rotten and never learn manners or social graces, simply because their parents have none. They go to school with a bunch of other spoiled rotten Scottsdale kids who think they’re better than the rest of the world because they don’t know Mommy and Daddy have gone into dangerously deep debt and sold out their future and any chance to pay for college just to keep up the image.
Scottsdale Soccer Moms frequently wind up in divorce due to years of pressuring their husbands into “buying” bigger and more impressive houses, until financial strain – and frequently bankruptcy – destroys the marriage.
Hi Frank. I’m not sure if you’ve seen this or not, but it’s a summary of the new Arizona Barbie Doll’s for sale. Hope you enjoy!
Scottsdale Barbie
This princess Barbie is only sold at Scottsdale Fashion Square. She comes
with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired
foreign lapdog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter dreamhouse with a saguaro
cactus in front. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift.
Workaholic ex-husband Ken comes with squeeze-me Skipper and a Ferrari.
Chandler Barbie
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Can swear in English or Spanish. Available at Target.
Apache Junction Barbie
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, bowie knife, a 78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only
available after dark and can only be bought with cash, preferably
smallbills, unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking
about.
Ahwatukee Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2.
Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card set, and country club
membership. Also available are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper.
Ahwatukee Barbie hasn’t been affordable since the early 80′s.
Mesa Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small,
a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Wants to
major in NASCAR at MCC. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank
Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s
ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a
confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Available at Ross.
Gilbert Barbie
Is pregnant, drives a new Ford Excursion and is perfect in every way. We
don’t know who Ken is because he’s always away hunting or in Japan on
business. Gilbert Barbie aspires to become Scottsdale Barbie. Not cheap, but still very naive.
Goodyear Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own
high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut
Ken out of Mesa Barbie’s (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes
low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss, and a
see-through halter top. Comes with Barbie’s dream doublewide trailer.
Available at Wal-Mart. Cheap.
Sedona Barbie
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic (nose job) Barbie wears leopard print
spandex, and drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with friends at the
lodge. Into crystals. Comes with percocet perscription and two alimony
checks. Also cheap.
Phoenix Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional
accessories include a G.E.D. and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his ’79 Caddy
were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the
four kids.
Flagstaff Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks.
She prefers that you call her “Willow.” She does not want or need a Ken
doll, but if you purchase two Flagstaff Barbies and the optional Subaru
wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
Tucson Barbie
Into basketball and marijuana. Dropped out of PCC. Does nothing but complain about Phoenix Barbie.
Guadalupe Barbie
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired
temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats. This is
the only Barbie who is willing to do manual labor. Ken comes in a
meat-packer’s uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green
cards are not yet available for Guadalupe Barbie or Ken. Available at
Southwest Supermarkets.
Van Buren Barbie/Ken
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by
simply adding or subtracting the “snap-on” parts.
Sun City Barbie/Ken
These dolls are going fast! Well, what we mean is they’re old and don’t have much time left. Both write checks for everything or pay in change, and can provide hours of endless repetitive conversation about “The good ol’ days.” Drives a golf cart, signals right to when turning left. Can be seen in
Barbie Grocery Store (sold separately) arguing over prices. Available at the
doctor’s office.
Buckeye Barbie
This Barbie comes dressed with an “I Love 4-H” tee shirt and overalls. She
is packaged with a tin of chewing tobacco but you can purhase an optional
pack of cigarettes for a more sophisticated look. This Barbie also features
a barn with livestock and hay for Barbie to roll around in with Ken,
G.I.Joe, Stretch Armstrong and Britney**
** Britney only if optional Budweiser/Jack Daniels package is
purchased.
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Awesome Andrew! Laughed my ass off!
Andrew,
Way to pile on…. Just a heads up..that cut and paste is pfffft. Seen it too many times!! Every city in good ol’ USA has their rival descriptions. Read up and Keep up.
I lauhged so hard, I started to cry. Then I realized how true it was and it wasn’t funny any more.
just left you another comment. stumbled upon your blog while doing some research for an article i am writing. i HAVE to say, I lived there for 3 years and don’t fall under any of those catagories! Although I couldn’t agree with you more. I just to let you know. drove an outback, wore vans, never combed my hair (and was still hotter than those fake boobed ladies) homebirthed 2 kids there, my husband drove a pick up and worked his ass off, had no credit cards,and laughed our asses off all the way to the pacific northwest after we sold a home in old town we bought —utter fixer ranch in old town—-for 150k (2004) did all the work ourselves and sold for 275k (2007).
you are funny!
well Im an older Scottsdale single Mother . I moved to Scottsdale thinking it wuold be a god place for my little girl to grow up that was 15 years ago. Now she is grown and gone and I HATE IT! IFEL TRAPPED BY RADAR , SATILLITE AND OVER ZEALOUS MOMS WHO WON’T LEAVE THE SAGUARO HIGH SCHOOL KIDS ALONE!!! I’M SURROUND BY NARCS . TRYING TO FIGURE MY WAY OUT !!! MY NEIGHBORS ARE PARINOID AND CAUSE MORE OF IT ! CHASING KIDS WITH CAM CORDERS !! THEN THEY WONDER WHY THEY DON’ T RESPECT OUR PROPERTY! THESE ARE BORED SEXUALLY FRISTRATED WOMEN WHO LOVE TO KEEP AN EYE ON ME! GOT ANY SUGGESTIONS?
Penny lanes last blog post..South Park: Scottsdale most miserable, horrible place
I know a woman from scottsdale, so funny, she is a realtor, a snob, in debt, and a very easy whore. I think you must know her too.
I disagree.
You have all the principles right but you are wrong about the amount of people that are this way. This is true for a wide range of people all over the US. Not just people living in scottsdale, not just people driving BMW or wearing Rolex.
This discription is laso true for the majority of people who live overextended and on credit. Some people are “lucky” enought (LOL) to be overextended and drive a BMW while others are just as screwed up but have a Honda.
This is not a Scottsdale thing… this is a Wold Wide culture.
This is all true. I moved out to phoenix five years ago with my sis, we came out from Chicago being tired of all the ice cold 7 month long winters. Well five years later I’m here and she is back in Chicago, almost escaped but the economy crashed. I seriously fear I will be stuck here until Armageddon, seriously, have you seen the news lately. That’s something else that’s a joke out here, the “news” I have tried to spend time in tempe phoenix chandler mesa awatukee and scottsdale, alas, a bunch of dim witted eye rolling superficial and unattractive dim bulbs. I would rather freeze to death than spend more time in this terrible place. As soon as I can I am going home, and never ever looking back.